This is a copy/paste job below. All credit and blame goes to a lovely site called jokesfunny. Jokesfunny has new material almost every day.
A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Strike while the …, insect is close.///Never underestimate the power of… ants./// Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.///Better to be safe than… punch a grade 7 boy./// If you lie down with dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.///It’s always darkest before… Daylight Saving Time/// You can lead a horse to water but… how?///No news is… impossible./// A miss is as good as a… Mr.///You can’t teach an old dog new… maths./// Love all, trust… me.///The pen is mightier than the… pigs.
One of the features of the babylon war is the use of drones. These are unmanned airplanes, that launch missiles by remote control.
There is much to complain about in the babylon war. We invade Afghanistan to get revenge for nine eleven, and now we are stuck there. Literally trillions of dollars have been borrowed to pay for this enterprise, with more to come. And we are using unmanned planes to attack people in Pakistan.
A fabulously wealthy country is spending trillions of dollars to attack poor people eight time zones away. This wealthy country does not even put its men at risk in these attacks, but does them with unmanned aircraft.
Something is not right.
Ben Franklin famously observed “In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes “. He might have added whining about taxes.
We are a couple of weeks from April 15. This is the day when many proud patriots morph into whiners. The prospect of having to pay for their wars is just too horrible to contemplate.
Down at the state capitol, there will be a “Tea Party” on April 15. Famous radio whiner Sean Hannity will be there. Yes, we are going to fight Islam eight time zones away, and pay for it with tax cuts.
Carl Hiassen has a think piece in today’s Miami Herald. While not happy about paying more in taxes, he would prefer to pay himself before shifting the burden to his mother.
Mr. Franklin earned his fame as a publisher and author. He had a few more things to say about death war and taxes.
Creditors have better memories than debtors… Anyone who trades liberty for security deserves neither liberty nor security…A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges…All wars are follies, very expensive and very mischievous ones…An investment in knowledge pays the best interest…Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
When you google the phrase “death and taxes”, the top choice is a video game site.
The North has Bloomingdale’s , the South has Dollar General .
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .
The North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .
If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store…Do not buy food at this store.
Get used to hearing ‘You ain’t from round here, are ya?’
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ‘big’ol,’ truck or ‘big’ol’ boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
‘He needed killin.’ is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, ‘Hey, y’all watch this,’ you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners . After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits.
Two years ago Atlanta almost ran out of water. The fishwrapper printed charts every day showing how many days before we ran dry. Finally, some rain came, and we got a reprieve. It was not because of conservation.
Now, it seems like Mexico City, a much larger and wealthier city, is running out of water. Whether the cause is global warming/dry weather or over development is beside the point. The authorities are running the water out at lower levels three days a month, trying to forestall a more severe problem.
It seems that commercial vendors have access to water the city does not have. When you run out, you call the “pipas” who come out and fill your cistern. And the bottled water that everyone drinks is still available.
HT to Andrew Sullivan.
In the early nineties, PG had too much free time. On March 25 of one year, he looked in the fishwrapper, and found a list of famous people with birthdays.
There was an unlikely trio celebrating that day. This would be (in order of appearance) Anita Bryant (1940), Aretha Franklin (1942), and Elton John (1947). All three have been paid for singing. The three have a total of five husbands, with Miss Bryant and Mr. John currently attached (Not to each other). Miss Franklin has good taste in hats.
Several other people have arrived on planet earth on March 25. They include , in 1911, Jack Ruby, the killer of Lee Harvey Oswald (d. 1967) ( They don’t say alleged when it was on live TV). 1918 produced Howard Cosell, American sports reporter (d. 1995) and Flannery O’Connor (d. 1964) arrived in 1925. 1934 gave us Gloria Steinem, American feminist and publisher, and in 1937 Tom Monaghan, founder of Dominos pizza, arrived. To make room for all this talent, Buck Owens died March 25, 2006.
March 25 is after the spring equinox, and has been Easter. A few noteworthy events have gone down on this day. In 1894, Coxey’s Army departed Massillon, Ohio for Washington D.C.
In 1911, the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire killed 146 garment workers in New York City. In 1939 Cardinal Eugenio Pacelli becomes Pope Pius XII, to the delight of Adolph Hitler. 1955 saw the United States Customs seizes copies of Allen Ginsberg’s poem “Howl” as obscene. And in 1969, during their honeymoon, John Lennon and Yoko Ono hold their first Bed-In for Peace at the Amsterdam Hilton Hotel (until March 31).
HT and applause to wikipedia.
There is a site publishing vintage photographs called Shorpy. They recently published a picture of a dog’s funeral. This picture is reproduced with permission.
The Aspin Hill cemetery is the final resting place for thousands of four legged companions. Lyndon Johnson took his beagles “him” and “her” there to be cremated. Mr. Johnson caused a furor when he picked “him” off the ground by his ears.
There is a human cemetery on Pleasant Hill Road, across I85 from the mall. PG went there with his camera one day, looking for the permanent residence of his parents. A few spaces over is Boots.
PG remembers the first time the name Flannery O’Connor sank in. He was visiting some friends, in a little house across from the federal prison.
Rick(?) was the buddy of a character known as Harry Bowers. PG was never sure what Harry’s real name was. One night, Rick was talking about Southern Gothic writers, and he said that Flannery O’Connor was just plain weird ” Who else would have a bible salesman show up at a farm, take the girl up into a hayloft, unscrew her wooden leg and leave her there? Weird”
Flannery O’Connor was recently the subject of a biography written by Brad Gooch. The book is getting a bit of publicity. Apparently, the Milledgeville resident was a piece of work.
PG read some reviews of this biography, and found a collection of short stories at the library. The book included ” Good Country People”, the tale about the bible salesman. Apparently, this story was inspired by a real life incident. ( Miss O’Connor had lupus the last fifteen years of her life. She used crutches.) And yes, it is weird. Not like hollywood , but in the way of rural, post world war two Georgia.
Some of the reviews try to deal with her attitudes about Black people. On a certain level, she is a racist. She uses the n word freely, and her black characters are not inspiring people. The thing is, the white characters are hardly any better, and in some cases much worse.
The stories are well crafted, with vivid descriptions of people and places. The reader floats along with the flow of the story, until he realizes that Grandma has made a mistake on a road trip. The house she got her son to look for is in Tennessee, not Georgia. She makes him drive the family car into a ditch. Some drifting killers come by. Grandma asks one if he prays, while his partner is shooting her grandchildren. Weird.
In another story, a drifter happens upon a pair of women in the country. The daughter is thirty years old, is deaf, and has never spoken a word. The drifter teaches her to say bird and sugarpie. The mother gives him fifteen dollars for a honeymoon, if he will marry her. He takes the fifteen dollars and leaves her asleep in a roadside diner.
PG was looking for yard sales one Saturday afternoon. He came to a house off Lavista Road, between Briarcliff and Cheshire Bridge. The house had apparently not been painted in the last forty years. Thousands and thousands of paperback books were on the shelves. The lady taking the money said that the lady who lived there was the friend, and correspondent of, the “Milledgeville writer” Flannery O’Connor. This is apparently Betty Hester, who is mentioned in many of the biography reviews.
PG told the estate sale lady that she should be careful how she said that. There used to be a large mental hospital in Milledgeville, and the name is synonymous in Georgia with mental illness. The estate sale lady had never heard that.
Operation Iraqi Freedom is six years old. The first shock and awe day (SAD) was roughly on the Spring Equinox, 2003. Twenty four seasons have come and gone.
Some say the tide has turned, and the coalition is winning. There seems to be less random violence than before. A government is in place. On the cost side of the analysis, there is increased Iranian power, hundreds of thousands of refugees, and the American economy in tatters. That does not count the dead and wounded of all colors.
Many of us wish the sorry mess had never happened. The question is where to go from here. Troop withdrawals seem inevitable, as well as keeping an occupation force in country. There is going to be a moment of truth, where the Iraqi government is going to sink or swim on its own.
There are many other questions about the future. Iran is not the only neighbor playing power politics. There is the matter of the “Sons of Iraq”. They are people who were fighting our troops, until we put them on our payroll. Some day, they will be introduced to the American custom of the layoff. What will happen then is anyone’s guess.
There is also the matter of Afghanistan, Pakistan, and the other Stan countries. We invaded Afghanistan looking for revenge after 911. BHO seems to be as clueless as GWB as to what to accomplish there.
Happy Shock and Awe Day.
The fun never stops under the gold dome. Never mind that Atlanta is one dry summer away from becoming a ghost town. Never mind the sorry state of education and health care. The Lesterslature is debating a resolution about Barack Obama.
The General Assembly passes resolutions on a variety of subjects every year. Some printing office sends a certificate to be framed and displayed, and everyone is happy. Until this year. HR 673 says good things about President Obama. ” Honoring President Barack Obama on becoming the 44th President of the United States and recognizing President Barack Obama as an honorary lifetime member of the Georgia Legislative Black Caucus; and for other purposes.”… “, throughout his political career, President Barack Obama has enjoyed an unimpeachable reputation for integrity, vision, and passion for public service,”.
Unimpeachable? Does that mean he has not been caught with an intern?
Now, BHO was slick enough to get elected. He may perform well as the President. But, to this humble reporter, no Illinois politician has an unimpeachable reputation for integrity.
When you are a Georgia Republican, no chance to be petty is too little. The State House voted down HR673. Now it is the Democrats turn to scream racism, and make the Repubs look reasonable. The fun never stops.
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’
The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’
Do not order drinks while ceiling is in motion.
Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Joey-Jim asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short
Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that”
“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”
The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”
“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “Oi’m always first out of bed.”
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have.”
“Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone grounds.”
“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”
“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.”
Thanks to JokesFunny.