Those fun loving merchandise mongers at Amazon have an amazing new product for the home, the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. It is a piece of plastic, shaped like yellow fruit, with a row of teeth that separate all kinds of fruit into slices. The advertising above the fold says ” Faster, safer than using a knife, Great for cereal, Plastic, dishwasher safe, Slice your banana with one quick motion, Kids love slicing their own bananas.”
Of course, not everyone believes the hype. Don’t believe the lie January 3, 2013 r3ronald “Description clearly states “Great for cereal.” However, my experience subjecting cereal to the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer left me with nothing more than a milk-sodden shirt and bitter remorse.”
Some feel betrayed by this product. This product ruined my marriage August 29, 2012 Doubtful Divorcee “I met my husband years ago on a blind date at a tropical fruit convention. We instantly hit it off and he soon fell in love with my banana slicing skills, and we were quickly married. Every morning there were perfectly sliced bananas to top his waffles, his cereal, even as garnishes for his eggs. That’s why he loved me. My perfectly sliced bananas. We were in wedded bliss. But I was a fraud, I had been using this banana slicer instead of cutting up his bananas perfectly with a knife. Before he woke up I would sneak downstairs and use the Victorio 571B on the bananas, put them on a cutting board, and place a knife next to them and quickly hide the slicer. I loved how he would praise my banana slicing skills to everyone, anytime, even during our romantic embraces. One morning I came into the kitchen and he was already there, holding the slicer. He asked how long I had been faking my slicing skills, and told me I had betrayed him, our marriage, and everything that our relationship was based on. He called a divorce attorney that morning, and now I am alone and working three jobs to make ends meet.”
For every sad tale like that told by Doubtful Divorcee, there is an upbeat success story. Saved my marriage July 30, 2012 Mrs Toledo “What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!”
There are two more five star reviews on the front page of this ad, the fabled “Most Helpful Customer Reviews.” There are 2827 reviews of this product, with more written as we speak. Clearly, the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer has made an impact on the quality of American lives. The use of reviewer stage names makes it impossible to know if Lorena Bobbit endorses this device.
GREAT Gift August 3, 2012 Uncle Pookie “Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using – it works much better. Ordering one for my nephew who’s in the air force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his banana’s. He should really enjoy this product!”
Such a time saver September 24, 2012 lloydravn “No more throwing bananas at the ceiling fan for me! This product has saved me the work of peeling the banana slices off the wall after the fan slices them. Thanks, banana slicer!”
Outright fraud September 26, 2012 M. Heiss (REAL NAME) “This banana slicer comes with no bananas. The photograph clearly shows bananas. You mean it costs 5 bucks and I still have to go to the grocery store for bananas? Outrageous greedy 1%ers. The revolution can’t come soon enough.”
No more winning for you, Mr. Banana! March 3, 2011 SW3K “For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.”
Pictures today are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”.
This is written like Vladimir Nabokov.