Confusing Me With A Photographer For National Geographic

Posted in Uncategorized by chamblee54 on January 28, 2012

These visits to alternative reality are from a variety of sources. Included are Facebook (fb), twitter (tw), Futility Closet (fucl) , All Aphorisms, All The Time (Aph) , Texts From Last Night (tln) , and Overheard in New York (ony) . Attempts to maintain a no profanity blog will be suspended for this post. Pictures were taken by Gwinnett County. // I have two things to say to the gentlemen who sent me their photographs this morning. Posing nude in front of a camera in your bathroom does not make you a model. Secondly, you may be confusing me with a photographer for National Geographic. (fb) // Last night, my kids and I were sitting in my den. I told to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine!! The little bastards (fb) // Figured out why I couldn’t cut these onions right – there wasn’t a glass of wine in my other hand ‘for balance’. (tw) // Before you ask, that’s actually a Mars bar floating in it. I’m not that cruel. (tw) // FFS, I’m in the bizarre end of YouTube again. This time, may I present: Vagina Bubbles From Hell (tw) // Often, cloaked like trick or treaters in the casual disguises of philosophical gossip, we wonder about the ultimate meaning of a man’s life (tw) // I keep forgetting the same thing over and over again. I know it’s important but I keep on forgetting it. (tw) // Xerox Candy Bar: Ah, you’re just a copy of all the candy bars I’ve ever eaten. (tw) // The dog was so old he looked like a stuffed dog. I tied him up to a fire hydrant and he pissed on it, but it was only stuffed piss. (tw) // Work life balance is such bullshit…. Between work, sleep, and blacking out, I pretty much wrote off my 20s. (tw) // #1: Hey, do you have change for a $20? #2: $20’s are change, bro. (tw) // One of the biggest problems with todays society is that we’ve run out of colonies of send our undesirables to. (tw) // If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… Because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything. (tw) // #1: Who gives a fuck about SOPA? #2: If you got busted downloading MJ’s Thriller, you’d get more jail time than the dude that killed him. (tw) // #1: Socialites are just bottom-feeders with money. #2: They do give mean head though. (tw) // Mitt embodies the bullshit ass-kissing banker-consultant-MBA double-talking piece-of-shit mentality we hate. He is hyphenation personified. (tw) // So sad…Please, put this on your status if you dated, know, work with or are related to (or divorced from) someone who suffers from stupidity. We all need to understand stupidity is real and must be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity, and sympathy does not help. Sometimes a 2×4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot. But we can raise awareness! 53% won’t re-post this because they don’t know how to copy and paste. (fb) // “It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake” – Frederick Douglas (fb) // “Jesus died for somebody’s sins but not mine” – Patti Smith (fb) // “Poison is in everything, and no thing is without poison. The dosage makes it either a poison or a remedy” – Paracelsus (one of history’s greatest alchemists) (fb) // “If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.” ― Marilyn Monroe (fb) // On April 18, 1926, Sinclair Lewis mounted the pulpit of a Kansas City church, took out his watch, and defied G-d to prove his existence within 10 minutes by striking him dead. G-d spared him. George Bernard Shaw had once made the same challenge but gave G-d only three minutes. “I am a very busy man,” he said. (fucl) // A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life.-Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (fb) // Portion out pleasure so that one can always still increase it. – Immanuel Kant, Anthropology from a pragmatic point of view (fb) // Though terror speaks to life and death, and distress makes of the world a vale of tears, yet shame strikes deepest into the heart of man-Silvan Tomkins, Affect Imagery Consciousness vol III (fb) // No person wishes to abandon Christian terminology, but they can secretly change it so that it doesn’t require decision or action.-Soren Kierkegaard, Two Ages: A Literary Review (fb) // The public comes into existence because all its participants become spectators rather than participants.-Soren Kierkegaard, Two Ages: A Literary Review (fb) // To all my haters: You have my thanks, but not my respect. (tw) // “Pretty is overwhelming, having something to say on top of that can just be mindboggling.” (fb) // Charges: CRIMINAL ATTEMPT TO COMMIT CRIME // “Science is what you know, philosophy is what you don’t know.” — Bertrand Russell (fucl) // “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.” – Catherine Aird. (fb) // Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess. (tln) // He was all like, “I’ve prayed every single day just for one more night with you.”… Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out. (tln) // someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship? (tln) // I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is (tln) // I’m really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend! … It’s a Thursday. (tln) // Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again. (tln) // and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her (tln) // Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth (tln) // Guy on train on cell: Yeah, man, I’m not sure if I can go out tonight. (pause) I know there’s going to be a shit-ton of booze, but I think I’m staying in. I’ll go next time. (pause) I’m just saying, I have no idea what I’m on right now, but I don’t think I should mix it with alcohol. (ony) // Grandfather: You remember my cousin, Arthur? Little boy: Who? Grandfather: You remember him, he was at your bris. Little boy: Oh, right, right. (nods) (ony) // Guy to friend, about teen passing by: I know this girl, and she’ll suck your dick for free! Passing teen #1: What? Eww, gross! Passing teen #2: Really? Where? (ony) // “I make my way among the non-electric people to seek reasons for my death and my living” ~ Charles Bukowski (tw) // “Hell, I couldn’t even get a job as a dishwasher.” ~ Charles Bukowski (tw) // “Democracy! Bah! When I hear that word I reach for my feather Boa!” ~ Allen Ginsberg (tw) // “A poem is like a radio that can broadcast continuously for thousands of years.” ~ Allen Ginsberg (tw) // going to mcdonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug (fb) // Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. (fb) // Tween boy #1, after exiting TD Bank with two friends: Where do you get the money you spend? Tween boy #2: Where do you think? My parents. Tween boy #3: I spend my own money. Tween boy #2: And where did you get that money? Tween boy #3: My Bar Mitzvah. I got almost $6,000. Tween boy #1: Damn, why am I not Jewish? Tween boy #2: Hey, I have considered becoming Jewish just for the money! (ony) // Teen, looking at rack of sweater vests: Hey, look–I could turn into Rick Santorum! Mother: Yeah, but then I’d have to disown you. (ony) // Hipster girl on cell loudly: Courtney! I have to pee so bad! I’m going to wet my pants! Hipster dude, walking by: You’re wearing a dress, sweetie. (ony) // Life is my favorite drinking game. (tw) // Man is the cancer of nature, growing uncontrollably and exponentially. (Aph) // If all people were thrown into the sea, the sea would immediately become cleaner. (Aph) // We live as if we had two lives. The first one is used for the acquisition of resources. (Aph) // When faith replaces knowledge, its reliability is halved but its insistence doubles. (Aph) // #1: AAPL says the US doesn’t have workers w/ the skills to make iPhones. #2: It takes a lot of skill to survive on 70¢ an hour. (tw) // I don’t let my kids watch Lady Gaga. She has such a negative message… If you’re ugly, you have to dress like a freak. (tw) // Nothing is more succinct and articulate than just doing the jerk-off hand motion. (tw) // Before you say something is fucked up, don’t forget, Newt Gingrich married his high school math teacher. (tw) // Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. (tw) // I’m going Roethlisbergering tonight. (tw) // “…alcohol allows me to be this hero, striding through space and time, doing all these daring things.” ~ Charles Bukowski (tw) // selah

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: