Chamblee54

#FirstWorldProblems

Posted in Library of Congress, Undogegorized by chamblee54 on August 28, 2014

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a very fine restaurant.”I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group, “You can’t come in here without a Thai. ”

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, “Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here.” “Great idea!” says Mr. Penguin, “I am famished.” So, the penguin starts walking do- well, waddling down town, and he sees an ice cream shop. Everyone knows that penguins fuckin’ love ice cream so he orders an ice cream cone. He starts to eat it, but it gets all over his beak and face, because he doesn’t have any opposable thumbs, he is a penguin. He starts to wal- ddle back to the mechanic shop. The mechanic, who is just finishing up, rolls out from under the truck and says to the penguin, “Well Mr. Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin shrugs and replies, “Nah, that is just a bit of ice cream.”

A cop is sitting on the side of the highway when all of a sudden he sees a guy driving a truck full of penguins. Confused he pulls the truck over. “What seems to be the problem officer?” “Well you have a truck full of penguins, i’m just going to give you a warning but you need to take these penguins to the zoo immediately.” The next day, the truck passes again, still filled with penguins. This time they are wearing sunglasses. So again the officer pulls the man over. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” “I did, and they loved it. Now we’re going to the beach. !”

Most jokes are, as a lot of them aren’t truly understood as a kid. I once told this joke at the dinner table when I was around 11: Why don’t blondes use vibrators? It chips their teeth. I had no idea what it meant. I thought it was referring to that exercise machine with the strap that goes around your waist and shakes you (It’s an old machine(it was for weight loss)) . I thought the blondes were just rattling their teeth from the vibration of the machine. If it wasn’t for a Betty Boop cartoon I wouldn’t have understood the joke at all. ~ I did this too when I was about 12 (I should have known by then). Asked my mom “what do you call a blonde with pigtails?” -“a blow job with handles” she didnt even get mad. She just asked if I knew what it meant and I said no. Then I proceeded to ask her to tell me but she kept saying she didn’t know.

Three guys are trapped on an island with cannibals. The cannibals tell them that if they want to survive, they must each find ten of the same fruit and return to the cannibals to receiver their next instruction. The first man returns with ten apples and the cannibals tell him he must shove all ten apples up his butt without any changing facial expression and they won’t eat him. After about eight apples, the man’s face becomes strained, and the cannibals eat him. The second man return with ten berries and he is given the same instruction. Upon inserting the tenth berry with no struggle, the man bursts out laughing, so the cannibals eat him. Up in heaven, the first man asks “You were so close to living, how could you just laugh and throw it all away?!” “The other guy brought back pineapples.”

So this guy walks into a bar on a busy night. Everybody is noticing him, and it is all good attention. All the women are swooning over him. But there is one very noticeable thing about him that is odd… his head is an orange. So the guy walks up to the bar and announces, “All drinks are on me tonight!” as he starts making it rain with $100 bills. So the bartender gets the man’s attention and asks him, “So what’s your deal?” The man replies, “Oh, well… I found one of those genie lamps on the beach the other day! He gave me three wishes.” “That’s pretty neat,” replied the bartender. “So what did you wish for?” “Well, the first wish was endless $100 bills in my wallet” The bartender replies, “I guess that explains the money. Good choice. What else did you wish for?” “I then asked him to make me irresistible to women.” “Again, not a bad move. So how about that third wish?” said the bartender.”Ah, the third wish… now here is where I think I may have gone wrong… I asked the genie to turn my head into an orange.” Pictures are from The Library of Congress.

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