Destroying Your Workplace Productivity

Posted in Uncategorized by chamblee54 on March 30, 2012

These visits to alternative reality are from a variety of sources. Included are Facebook (fb), twitter (tw), Futility Closet (fucl), All Aphorisms, All The Time (Aph), Texts From Last Night (tln), and Overheard in New York (ony). Attempts to maintain a no profanity blog will be suspended for this post. // “He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.” ~ C S Lewis (fb) // Complexity of ones mind can be the most difficult thing to comprehend. If somebody was to make their way into my head they would probably win me over. … I have no country to fight for; my country is the earth, and I am the citizen of the world. … “If I had the letter “HRT” & I can add “EA” 2 get a “hEArt” or a “U” & get “hUrt” but I’d rather choose “U” & get “hUrt” then have a “hEArt” without “U”. … The worst kind of lonely was wanting a person with everything you had yet being unable to have them. … Learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you to appreciate what you lost. … If love is great and there are no greater things, then what I feel for you must be the greatest. (fb) // “It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake” – Frederick Douglas (fb) //  Osama bin Laden had 5 houses and 4 wives, making him a cross between Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. (tw) // I could spend like all day looking at the Recent Images from like the Twitter accounts of porn stars. Uh huh-huh huh. They rule! (tw) // what a brat , spoiled rotten grow up (tw) // Ever hooked up with a college football player? I don’t kiss an tell (unless it’s inter-industry) (tw) // Charity B. checked in to World of Beer (tw) // @BeIieveItOrNot: When a male honey bee climaxes during sex, his testicles explode and he dies.” lovely :) (tw) // Braving my telephone anxiety, one call at a time. (fb) //Not sure if Piers Morgan is the man to get to the bottom of #Trayvon, since he never found out why Heidi & Seal split. (tw) // Half the time when I meet people I want to click “skip intro.” (tw) // Bin Laden reportedly lived in five houses, putting him in a virtual tie with Mitt Romney. (tw) // Can like these people get like any more dumberer? (tw) // So like the Waffle House isn’t just like a house made of waffles? Uh huh-huh huh. That’s stupid. (tw) // Similar to Beavis and Butthead @CharityBangs Official Twitter account of adult star Charity Bangs! (tw) // “Jesus died for somebody’s sins but not mine” – Patti Smith (fb) // “Poison is in everything, and no thing is without poison. The dosage makes it either a poison or a remedy” – Paracelsus (one of history’s greatest alchemists) (fb) // “Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed.” — Maya Angelou (fb) // Fact: Motion detecting paper towel dispensers break at a rate roughly 77 times hand crank dispensers (tw) // Manuscript rejection letter from Hunter S. Thompson You worthless, acid-sucking piece of illiterate shit! Don’t ever send this kind of brain-damaged swill in here again. If I had the time, I’d come out there and drive a fucking wooden stake into your forehead. Why don’t you get a job, germ? Maybe delivering advertising handouts door to door, or taking tickets for a wax museum. You drab South Bend cocksuckers are all the same; like those dope-addled dingbats at the Rolling Stone office. I’d like to kill those bastards for sending me your piece … and I’d just as soon kill you, too. Jam this morbid drivel up your ass where your readership will better appreciate it.
(fucl) // Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response. … Do I have a choice? … I am sorry, you’re response was not recognized. Please try again. (tln) // Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can’t it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday. (tln) // Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad. (tln) // I’ll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children’s children (tln) // I’be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I’m like an advertisement for house arrest. Help. (tln) // Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit. (tln) // Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think the words, “Finger my ass” should find their way into casual conversation. (tln) // Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again. (tln) // Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I’d get laid more often (tln) // I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off … Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS (tln) // he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now (tln) // Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice? … Don’t answer that. It is bad. (tln) // You couldn’t find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night … Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming. (tln) // Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend. (tln) // I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken (tln) // “Writing is excessive drudgery. It crooks your back, it dims your sight, it twists your stomach and your sides.” // “As the harbor is welcome to the sailor, so is the last line to the scribe. // “This is sad! O little book! A day will come in truth when someone over your page will say, ‘The hand that wrote it is no more.’ // 1- From Sachs to Kristof to Invisible Children to TED, the fastest growth industry in the US is the White Savior Industrial Complex. 2- The white savior supports brutal policies in the morning, founds charities in the afternoon, and receives awards in the evening. 3- The banality of evil transmutes into the banality of sentimentality. The world is nothing but a problem to be solved by enthusiasm. 4- This world exists simply to satisfy the needs—including, importantly, the sentimental needs—of white people and Oprah. 5- The White Savior Industrial Complex is not about justice. It is about having a big emotional experience that validates privilege. 6- Feverish worry over that awful African warlord. But close to 1.5 million Iraqis died from an American war of choice. Worry about that. 7- I deeply respect American sentimentality, the way one respects a wounded hippo. You must keep an eye on it, for you know it is deadly. (tw) // too much food for thought can lead to mental indigestion. (fb)

blame is for children and the pope // It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking. (tln) // I’m sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me. (tln) // No no don’t get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating. (tln) // I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives? (tln) // Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I’m just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina. (tln) // I’ve discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs. (tln) // currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I’m there. someone is getting laid tonight … I’m not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in (tln) // If I win the lottery, I’m gonna buy Twitter, and delete the Kardashians. (tw) //It was the textbook our- balls- touched- while- engaged- in- a- threesome- with-o ur- bosses- wife conversation … It amazes and alarms me I’m not shocked to read that. (tln) // I wish some folks would learn to choose their battles. I wish folks knew the difference between activism and solidarity. I wish some could understand that when you claim to be non-judgmental then proceed to judge, that makes you a liar and may call into question your solidarity and activism. It also perpetuates the cycle. Choose your battles. Not everyone is you. Your reaction to the world is not the only reaction. This world, and it’s occupants will never respond the way everyone thinks they should respond, and to think that you can dictate response for an entire nation of people is really kind of fucked up, in my opinion. Not everyone is willing to put themselves on front lines, if you are do it and use the solidarity of the community to give you strength. (fb) // We need to quit fighting wars. We need to bring our troops and mercenaries home, from a war zone eight time zones away. We need to quit killing women and children with robot planes. Those robot planes are very expensive to operate. // 1-Names with an s at the end are tough for some people to pronounce. It is clumsy to add an ” ‘s” to such a name to indicate possesion. While many names are better in the complete form, some work better with nicknames. 2- The choice of a given name is a very personal affair. Usually, it is made for you. Your well meaning parents make this choice, and often they make mistakes. You can choose to be called something else // Fake Santorum quotes: Arsenic can’t be THAT bad. It often shows up in our drinking water. And water is good for you. (tw) // I see more fake Santorum quotes spread around than real ones these days it’s a testament to how many awful things he’s said and how low his reputation is that people will readily believe any horrific thing you put in his mouth no matter how much it sounds like a parody or how much of a political suicide it’d be if he actually said it (tw) // Male cashier: You comin’ this weekend? Female cashier: Nooo! I can’t cuz I gotta go with my girlfriend downtown, she’s makin’ me go with her to get her thingies pierced… You know, her ta tas. (ony) // Nerd #1: Yeah, this time next year… Nerd #2: Oh, yeah? You thinking of procreating? Nerd #1: I try every chance I get. Nerd #2: Nice! You should do it, it’s really no big deal. Nerd #1: Yeah, I mean, I know my life will change a bit, but it’s one of those things that you just have to do. Nerd #2: Yeah. I guess it’ll be more exciting when he’s like… a person. Nerd #1: And can mow your lawn. (ony) // Office male: No, you remember. It was when we went to The Hamptons that summer. Like five years ago. Office female: We’ve only been dating for three. (ony) // Customer service rep: I’m at work, I don’t need to hear about your whore activities! (ony) // Coworker receiving work back that wasn’t done properly: No way! I know I did it right! I must have a computer virus. Maybe I need a defrag? There’s no way I had errors! I triple checked it! (ony) // It is true what you say. I am currently destroying your workplace productivity. (tw) // // I firmly believe that it is our unique blessings that provide us with our raison d’être. If, in the name of normality or conformity, we silence our strange angels, our mischievous devils, and our inner weird kids, then we have expunged precisely the portions of ourselves that we are here to express and live most fully. ~ Kraig Blackwelder (fb) // It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it’s not, it’s a visa, and it runs out fast. -Julie Burchill (fb) // Republicans are celebrating the inevitability of Romney the way one would an asteroid hurtling towards Earth. (tw) // I’m used to rumors & almost never address them. But it’s not ok when magazines like InTouch involve my close friends in their made up stories. They were told by multiple people that their current cover isnt true, but they decided to go ahead. & run it anyway. So here you have it… A Tweet by @KimKardashian (tw) // @KimKardashian Get over it! Half of the stuff on ur so called reality shows is just like u FAKE!! So dont act like u dont love the attention (tw) // Guy to another: What’s up bitch, Marty, good morning! Woman: That’s not a nice way to say “good morning.” (ony) // Queer bartender to queer waiter: Did you give Joe* that shot? Queer waiter: No, he’s too drunk. I’ll give it to him later. Queer customer: It’s 10 o’clock! Queer waiter: He comes in drunk. Queer customer: Well, that’s a real time saver… (ony) // Like Christopher Isherwood, Flannery O’Connor, Carson McCullers and Ensan Case, he gave me permission. (fb) // If George Zimmerman tells one more lie he’s going to get his own show on Fox. (tw) // Student, about project: How big should I make it? I don’t feel like making a big ass thing. Teacher: No, no. I don’t want a big ass thing. Just make is a small ass thing or a medium ass thing. (ony) // Woman yelling from window to group of teenage skateboarders: Shut the fuck up! Teen: Bitch, you wanna come down here and get your pussy wet? Woman: Grow some fucking hair on your balls! Then we’ll talk! (ony) // Woman #1: Make sure they scoop out the center of my bagel. I’m on a diet, don’t need all those carbs. Woman #2: I didn’t know they would do that. Woman #1: Sure they will, and I want cream cheese and jelly on my bagel… Oh ya, and butter. Woman #2: Do you want a coffee? Woman #1: Please, and with three sugars. (ony) // Selah

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