Chamblee54

#NationalTellAJokeDay

Posted in Uncategorized by chamblee54 on August 18, 2017


Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog? It was a shih tzu
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica … it was dreadful
How can a woman terrify her gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquists.
How do you circumcise a whale? A: Send down 4 skin divers.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?……………………………………………..
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I entered 10 puns into a contest. I hoped one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
I hate going to abortion clinics cause there’s never anything to hang your coat
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
Randy once told a joke to the ruler of China. They didn’t get it because it wasn’t metric
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

The guy who invented a place to put symbols on a map, what a legend!
This guy walked into a bar one day. He should have looked in front of him
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal said to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
What concert cost 45 cents? 50 cents featuring Nickelback.
What did number 0 say to number 8? ….nice belt!

What did the policeman say to his stomach ….. you’re under a vest
What did the taxi driver say to the wolf? Where Wolf?
What do doctors give sick birds…. Tweetment
What do you call a bee born in May? A Maybe!
What do you call a guy with a spade in his head? Dug
What do you call a man with a tiny penis? Justin

What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie. Happy #nationaljokeday
What do you call nasal sex? Fuck nose….
what’s the difference between a pregnant women and a lightbulb…. You can unscrew a lightbulb
Where do the Polish keep their armies ? in their sleevies
Where’s the best place to hide a dead body? Page 2 of Google search results.
Why are there gates around graveyards? Because people are just dying to get in.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.
Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the barking lot!
Why did the duck cross the road …. to prove he wasn’t a chicken
Why did the duck get arrested?? Because he was selling quack
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out standing in his field.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he didn’t have an ear for music. ;)

Why do many bars not allow neutrons to enter? Cause they always refuse to be charged..
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless!
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
Why was the cat sitting on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse!
Why was the mermaid wearing seashells? Because she outgrew her B shells
Why was there guitar teacher arrested….. For fingering a minor
Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”.

Was Mae West A Real Girl?

Posted in GSU photo archive, History, Undogegorized by chamblee54 on August 17, 2017

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August 17 is birthday 124 for Mary Jane “Mae” West. Of course, she died in 1980, so the party is off. PG saw a note on facebook, and made the comment “She was rumored to be a man.” One right click google search later, this post started to take shape. This is a repost.

There is a blogspot site, maewest.blogspot.com. It is still published, with a birthday post today. Five years ago there was a post, Mae West: Penis Rumors. It seems as though Miss West liked to say, to the press, “When I die, you are going to be very surprised!”

A hollywood gossipmonger had a story, Was Mae West…A Man?! Much of her information comes from the tasteful findadeath site. The story here is that Mae West died in 1950, and the death was kept quiet. Her brother made appearances in her place, until the final death in 1980. This would have been quite a feat, considering that John Edwin West died in 1964. That doesn’t stop people from talking.

“…the real Mae West died somewhere around 1950, give or take a couple years, and rather than let the show stop, it was announced that not Mae, but her brother, died. Of course, the brother then became Mae West and carried on until November 1980. If you look carefully at photos from around 1950 on it definitely looks like a different person not to mention the big hands and masculine features, bone structure, etc. I may not have all the details 100% correct but I would almost put money on the fact that the ‘Mae West’ ‘who died in 1980 had a weenie!!”

The hands were mentioned by Raquel Welch. The two were in Myra Breckinridge, the first movie Miss West had made in 27 years. (Miss West appeared on Mr. Ed in 1964.) Miss Welch appeared at a film festival in 2012, and had stories to tell.

“When I went over to say hello to her (one day) I said, ‘Hi, it’s Raquel, remember?’ She sort of extended her hand to me and I went to kiss the ring and one false fingernail painted silver fell to the floor. I looked at the hand and I thought, ‘Oh, I’m getting a vibe.’ I really think she’s a man! At this point in her life all bets are off and you’re not going to be able to doll it up that much. I would say it’s pretty accurate that she resembled a dock worker in drag.” …

“I had this beautiful dress and it was black with a big white ruffle around the neck and a black velvet hat … Apparently Mae got wind of the fact that I was wearing this exquisite dress and I went to the studio that day for our scene together. I got coiffed, got my hair done and went to the closet to get the dress and it wasn’t there. I asked my dresser what happened to the dress and she said, ‘It’s been confiscated. Mae does not want you to wear that dress. You can wear the red dress that you wore in the last scene!’ … Welch was so outraged that she stormed off the set and refused to return until the dress was back in her closet. … “For the scene, we never appeared in a two-shot together. She left after she did her lines and I had someone off-camera reading her lines and I had to pretend she was there.”

Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”.


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Feather Guitar

Posted in Poem by chamblee54 on August 16, 2017

Tiki Torch

Posted in GSU photo archive, Politics, Race, Undogegorized by chamblee54 on August 15, 2017


There was a wild weekend in Charlottesville VA. You probably heard about it. The media… corporate, social, anti social … is not known for restraint. The click bait happy datamongers go crazy when a racial conflict emerges. Social media swarms with virtue signalling, as the insecure/insincere masses leap at the opportunity to be seen “on the right side of history.”

The tiki torch boys enjoy bad press, and see it as as proof that they are cool. People see negative reaction as an affirmation of their virtue. One example is this purple prose headline: Procter & Gamble Release an Ad About ‘the Talk,’ and White People Respond With the Wettest, Saltiest, Stupidest White Tears Ever. A soap company decides that the hardships faced by black people are a good marketing gimmick. It is assumed that some white people will not like it, and will make stupid comments on facebook. It is all part of the game.

The white people parade friday night was breathlessly reported. The alt-right children were routinely labelled nazis. The original nazis almost conquered Europe, killed twenty million Soviets, and were one of the fiercest war machines ever created. The star performer saturday flunked out of the US Army because he could not meet their standards. Why do people routinely label these obnoxious children nazis? The Germans had standards.

Let’s do a bit of speculation. What if the tiki torch parade had been ignored? Let the idiots have their parade. Surround them with law enforcement, and keep antifa away. Repeat this on Saturday. Keep the alt right far away from antifa. Have a media blackout… don’t give these clowns, both alt right and antifa, the attention that they crave. Let the counter protesters have their sign waving party. When the rally is over, James Fields will get in his Dodge Challenger and drive back to Ohio. Everyone can go back home, eat hamburgers, and be happy. White idiots will get less attention.

Which brings us to Donald Trump. The democrats made racism a campaign issue. The slimy crookedness of DJT was ignored, and replaced by screaming racist, racist. When he won, anything perceived as racist is suddenly his fault. The black people feel more alienated than before. The lingering liberals blame anything they don’t like on the bottle blonde butthead. People are blaming the tiki torch antics, of the slobbering mob, on Donald Trump. Critical thinking is called for.

America loves to talk about police brutality. The police had a slow day Saturday. Deputies shoot, kill man who lunged at them with knife, official says. A non African American, Hispanic, man, Eduardo Navarrete, was beamed out on meth. He lunged at police with a knife, with fatal results. This was the only officer involved shooting reported on Saturday.

The role played by antifa, or anti fascism, is uncertain. Apparently, they wanted to give the alt right a fight. Since this makes the alt right seem virtuous, the offer the fight was accepted. When you wrestle with a pig, you get dirty, and the hog has a good time. The alt right is taking the blame for this mess, along with DJT, the police, and, of course, racism. Antifa is getting a free ride. If antifa had not been there on saturday, the alt right would have had to fight with themselves. Maybe antifa, whoever they are, and whoever is funding them, needs to be held accountable.

This too shall pass away. Pictures today are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library.” The spell check suggestion for antifa is Tiffany.

The Toxic Drama

Posted in GSU photo archive, Weekly Notes by chamblee54 on August 14, 2017

display of a link here does not indicate approval of content ~ U.S. Supreme Court ruling leads to offensive trademark requests ~ I’ve had it with The Walking Dead over how it portrays Black men ~ media bias fact check ~ The Toxic Drama on YA Twitter ~ “Sanders Democrats” Don’t Own the Left ~ LEMME PICK YOU UP: RuPaul with Ts Madison ~ KFC’s Comeback Story Takes Flight ~ Rich SF residents get a shock: Someone bought their street ~ The Most Common Error in Media Coverage of the Google Memo ~ If Hillary Clinton is so smart, why was her campaign slogan “Stronger Together” while calling Trump supporters “deplorables”? ~ @existentialcoms Oh really? You are a fan of skepticism? Name your top five favorite things that you don’t believe exist. @chamblee54 1. liberal media bias 2. fair 3. don’t take this personally 4. white allies 5. accurate labels for people ~ MORRIS COMMUNICATIONS ANNOUNCES SALE OF NEWSPAPER PUBLICATIONS TO GATEHOUSE MEDIA ~ Here’s Why the U.S. Hasn’t Brought ‘Fire and Fury’ to North Korea ~ Sex, Politics, Meth and Death in West Hollywood ~ Beautiful Photos from America’s Six Least-Visited National Parks ~ Georgia Recording Law There was a comment on twitter by @Scaramucci about being recorded unethically. It turns out the both NY and DC are “One party consent” states. Only one party of a conversation has to, legally, agree to the conversation being taped. GA is another “One party consent” state. ~ Marked For Death: The Nazi War on Homosexuality ~ Discourse on the Full Awareness of Breathing ~ Hunter S. Thompson Interviews Keith Richards – 1993 Keith Richards: A painter has a canvas. A writer has reams of paper, which he is going to fill with wonderful words. A musician has silence. Hunter S. Thompson: Poor Baby. ~ Exclusive: Here’s The Full 10-Page Anti-Diversity Screed Circulating Internally at Google ~ Delightful Definitions: 8 Words and Phrases We Should Use Again salad days, swivet, oleaginous, dorbellist, schadenfreude, politicaster, struthious, gruntle ~ The Braves’ New Ballpark Is An Urban Planner’s Nightmare ~ Quiz: We Will Tell You Your IQ Based On These 15 Tricky Questions MAGNIFICENT! It’s abundantly clear that you have an IQ of 160 because you aced all the questions! We might actually be looking at the next Einstein here! Way to go on a phenomenal score! ~ White House adviser says people should stop criticizing white supremacists so much ~ The Places of Athens throughout the Decades ~ Taylor Swift’s Sexual Assault Testimony Was Sharp, Gutsy, and Satisfying ~ American Authors Are Swearing More. So What? ~ The Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television: Increases in the Use of Swear Words in American Books, 1950-2008 ~ @ConnerHabib Great short article on moralizations against swear words posing as science. ~ funny story ~ 7 words you can’t say on tv starts 4:44 ~ Shocking figures: US academics find ‘dramatic’ growth of swearing in books ~ @WillKremer “It is very clear that I am not a candidate that can be bought off.” – @williamsforga #gapol #gagov #FearlessGov ~ Taibbi: Is LIBOR, Benchmark for Trillions of Dollars in Transactions, a Lie? ~ 5 buddha truths ~ @DOEDoobs Tiki torches? LMFAO! Please tell me y’all not taking this Shit seriously.. ~ The Club and My Shame ~ don’t crash it ~ James Alex Fields, Jr. ~ James Alex Fields Jr: Full Story & Must-See Details Of Suspect ~ white dude Sidenote: all Chads I know are seriously woke-ass dudes. Sorry to use y’all name as a generic white douche placeholder ~ Did Nietzsche really say “we have art in order not to die of the truth?” If so, where? ~ Charlottesville: What we know about James Alex Fields ~ James Fields ~ splc/fields ~ Organizer Of Charlottesville Rally Jason Kessler Speaks On The Aftermath ~ CHAOS erupts when cops disappear during illegal Antifa/BLM march ~ UNR Student Talks After Marching in Charlottesville White Nationalist Rally ~ Hate in Charlottesville: The day the Nazi called me Shlomo ~ if you can’t say it in 140 characters don’t say it ~ @dailyzen Don’t label yourself a buddhist. Simply practice mindfulness and compassion. ~ Having sex, on a porch, in a thunderstorm, is a close second. ~ this may be obsolete already ~ mooch mooch did turn on bannon, by saying that bannon was turning on himself @robertwrighter ~ the spell check suggestion for booberry is robbery ~ @WernerTwertzog Mistah Twertzog. He dead. #My4WordObituary ~ Translated from Estonian by Bing Could not translate Tweet ~ Gore Vidal once said that bi-sexuals were the second largest minority, after males. ~ It is a poor strategic choice to call your opponent, and those who support him, racist. An election is not a teachable moment. ~ You cannot get involved in every *controversy* that comes along. This is a weakness in the “neutrality aids the oppressor” narrative that I see. Many people will try to drag you into quarrels that you do not need to be in. ~ a lot of people either did not vote, or voted for a fringe candidate, because their state was obviously going to go either blue or red. where things got weird is where states that were assumed to be safe for hillary, like PA and MI, went for trump. in states like GA, it was painfully obvious that DJT was going to win big ~ For some reason, FB has chosen this as the *top story* on my timeline. I have seen it several times already. It is not that funny ~ @dadtellsjokes What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. ~ @SethFromThe716 Whoever is still holding his beer, you can put it down now #AbsurdObituaries ~ ‏ @loustweet Wanted man found in concrete vat. Called a ‘hardened criminal’ by police. ~ I have not read the memo. I wonder how many of the people commenting on it have. ~ De-moralize diversity. As soon as we start to moralize an issue, we stop thinking about it in terms of costs and benefits, dismiss anyone that disagrees as immoral, and harshly punish those we see as villains to protect the “victims.” ~ why is donut sometimes spelled with ugh in between do and nut? ~ actually, the w in sjw is a tribute to President Bush ~ @dailyzen It doesn’t matter if you’re a liberal, conservative, atheist or catholic. If you define yourself by an ideology, you are an idiot. ~ salad days, swivet, oleaginous, dorbellist, schadenfreude, politicaster, struthious, gruntle ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson‏@neiltyson A cow is a biological machine invented by humans to turn grass into steak. moby @thelittleidiot For a smart physicist you sound like an ignorant sociopath, @neiltyson , can’t believe I ever respected you.~ @MalcolmNance @MalcolmNance is a former intelligence officer, who now writes books. He knows a few things about the military. Here is a twitter thread. 1. Trump says we are “Locked and Loaded”? We haven’t even made basic preparations for war fighting that will happen if our B1s & SSBNs fire. 2. NK could launch massive snap attacks within minutes of an attack. Pacific command logistics, amphibious ships & Marines NOT at ready. 3. National ammunition logistics train NOT READY. Army/Marine alerts NOT READY. USAF air bridge NOT READY. Medical mobilization NOT READY. 4. We are NOT READY for even a small action size of Libya much less Korean War 2.0. This talk of Locked & Loaded is irresponsible madness. 5. Every command in world will have to deploy all assets to Asia. It will take months and by then NK could hold peninsula or nuke Guam/Tokyo 6. Trump’s rethoric is out of control. Mattis, McMaster & Kelly need to brake or bet there will be no NK HE, Chem, Bio or nuke response. ~ If you live in the state of Georgia, you voted for Donald Trump. ~ Account suspended This account has been suspended. Learn more about why Twitter suspends accounts, or return to your timeline. ~ You are blocked from following @noplasticshower and viewing @noplasticshower’s Tweets. ~ did anyone ever consider ignoring tiki torch boys? Why did they have to get all of this media attention? Why was a counter protest needed? ~ Why did the media… both corporate and social … give so much free publicity to the tiki torch boys? Maybe the auto incident would not have happened if the situation had not been so inflamed by publicity. ~ You and I know the same Chad. I have a different opinion. ~ The alternate title was “Don’t Give HBO’s ‘Confederate’ more publicity. ~ a black website posted a piece saying they were not afraid of a nuclear war… now they are having a hissy fit because of tiki torches ~ Tom Watson was an unsavory character. However, there was a certain ironic value to having his statue on the west side of the capitol. This was the side where the rallies were held. It was always fun to have this huge green man shaking his fist at the crowd below. The fact that the statue was of Tom Watson, a really terrible person, gave this a certain morbid fascination. ~ pictures today are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. ~ selah

Religion And Perfume

Posted in Commodity Wisdom, Georgia History, GSU photo archive by chamblee54 on August 13, 2017

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Religion and perfume have several things in common. They are both fun to smell, but dangerous to swallow. A tasteful drop behind the ear is pleasant. Too much, and you will run from the room gasping for breath. Both are cheap products, sold in a fancy bottle, at a steep markup.

Before easy access to water, people did not bathe every day. To cover up the aroma of human existence, many used fragrances. This too is similar to the function of religion.

Perfume has been considered a feminine product. In a clever marketing move, a masculine scent was called cologne, and sold to men. Religion is gross to many people, so it is sold as faith.

Smell is a driving force in animal behavior. Ants used smell to communicate, and perform feats in numbers which would be impossible as individuals. Smells go directly to the brain, without filtering and processing like sounds, sights, and tastes. Religion is the emotional equivalent of odors. This is a repost. Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”.

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#AbsurdObituaries

Posted in GSU photo archive, Undogegorized by chamblee54 on August 12, 2017


@Swalter255 He died in a freak accident, he and another freak ran into each other
@shellbell_xo Her stubborness killed her- She should have never said “Over my dead body.”
@farrfoxhake He died in most unusual circumstances: He was winning an argument with his wife. She’s now serving 20 for manslaughter.
@JennifersEyebr1
Nobody liked him, he was a grumpy selfish man and won’t be missed. – Love, your family

@JordanISaBEAR
She is survived by her pet hamster that subsisted on her flesh for ten days after her death.
@ESCapeditiea
When attending, we will offer complimentry wooden stakes and chainsaws. Just in case.
@ShotoDan2016 He was a dedicated bomb defusal expert. Even his Parkinson’s diagnosis couldn’t keep him from his job.
@loustweet Wanted man found in concrete vat. Called a ‘hardened criminal’ by police.

@twitsnotnice
Joe is survived by two cats, who at the time of his death, weren’t on speaking terms with him.
@TayBar80 Due to technical issues, the funeral has been moved next door to McDonalds parking lot.
@iwputt19 Restaurant in piece
@rhealyrhealy John had plenty of supplies to survive being trapped in his home for 7 days, but unfortunately, forgot to buy cat food.

@An_Enigma_2017 She died a horrid death when the green alien she coughed up and drank back down ate her from the inside out.
@NowhereManChild Local t-shirt printer falls into inking machine and dyes
@ShotoDan2016 He dyed, doing what he loved. He was a great hairstylist.
@Ollie_Llama …unfortunate beginner juggler decision to use weighted chopsticks…

@dragi_d It wasn’t his fault. He was left unsupervised at the strip club
@rllyfunnydragon R.I.P to a beloved Husband and Father. He used to drive us crazy telling Dad Jokes. Now all he can make is Dead Jokes.
@JohnJTerrible He died peacefully in his sleep, unlike his passengers, who died screaming.
@MajorChaotic666 His pronouns we’re zee and zeer

@atch00s She always wanted to be tall and thin. Unfortunately it took a sausage machine to make her dreams come true.
@Halloweeja Died texting while driving. A-hole always needed to have the last word.
@JohnJTerrible
Burial services end at 2pm. An additional hour is set aside for all who wish to piss on his grave
@EpicBngeWatcher He wanted everyone to comment, like, and subscribe to his funeral livestream.

@nosympathy82 Extreme sports athlete cheated death everyday slipped on a banana peel
@Megatallica118 26-year old male lost his head while brutally headbanging to Pantera. Parents are really concerned.
@silkysoul She died dyeing her dying cat’s fur
@abtsag He was born he drank he was boring

@PwrFulWmn She accidentally read “topical” as “tropical” and chugged the bottle.
@SethFromThe716 Whoever is still holding his beer, you can put it down now.
@yabbahead Died from a lack of retweets. God rest his tweety soul
@xcdntlcsmnt Sad he’s gone, but glad he got the answer to his question ‘How much ice cream is needed for brain freeze to be fatal?’

@JeFiggins1987 He died doing what he did best. Did I ever tell you what a great drunk driver Dave was? Well, up until that last time!
@JeFiggins1987 102yo Jerome Figgins died bedding his 18yo 7th wife. It took plastic surgeons 2 hours to remove the smile from his face.
@SethFromThe716 He once said, “YOLO”, and that was all he did.
@BeatusVon “He died peacefully in his beautiful mansion, which is now for sale. Further informations below.”

@robstewart100 You really can’t have Bacon at every Meal
@SethFromThe716 Oh well. The worms will eat a nice meal.
@lordtiddington After a life time of hard work and community dedication, John was found with a bowling ball protruding from his rectum.
@RanNewMan77 the family requests that no one bring tuna casserole or fidget spinners to the wake

@kenny_whiteman Thought that the Kardashians could use a little more mainstream media coverage
@thewritetbkeys You can find his official obituary on MySpace
@FrankRLax61 in death, as in life, he lies here doing nothing while other people do the work, and get stuck with the bill
@JoeCook80543637 died in mid sentence, while writing his final tweet. ” The secret to life is…..”

@BeverleyShaw17 Mother wishes her funeral to be held two weeks before she’s dies as she can’t bear to miss out on anything.
@hulga_hopewell Yesterday, some ugly annoying bitch died. On Saturday; main street will be blocked off for a block party, all are invited.
@in_the_ruins He is survived by some grass clippings and an unopened packet of instant oatmeal.
@ActionRation Went around shooting horses for a while, then ate the insides of a clock and died.

Pictures from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. “This item is part of a collection of images of downtown Atlanta streets that were taken before the viaduct construction of 1927 – 1929. Later, some of the covered streets became part of Underground Atlanta.”

Muzak Thrum

Posted in Poem by chamblee54 on August 11, 2017

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2017 Part Two

Posted in Uncategorized by chamblee54 on August 10, 2017


Here is part two of the chamblee54 2017 coverage of The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. This is an annual contest celebrating bad writing. Part one was published on tuesday. Pictures today are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. These images are from “… a collection of images of downtown Atlanta streets that were taken before the viaduct construction of 1927 – 1929. Later, some of the covered streets became part of Underground Atlanta.”

Fifteen mute commuters, jammed together in anxious anticipation of release, like expectant spermatozoa suddenly thwarted by an elevator suspended in its shaft, its cables soot-slicked, tense, and tired, yet no one stirred until Fern realized the last sound she might ever know was the Muzak thrum of Manilow’s greatest hits, and she snapped. — Julie Gautreau, Knoxville, Tennessee

Legs apart and hands on hips, Winston stood triumphant as the gel-bonded strands of a thinning comb-over danced in the wind like an arachnid doing the Hokey Pokey. — Peter M., Tianjin, China

Having just celebrated the union of nuptial bliss with my dearest Viola not six hours before in the lush, green, verdant gardens at Saint Benedict’s Cathedral, I watched the rise and swell of her white, wedding-dress-clad chest as she lay inert—still looking like an unconscious angel descended from the heavenly firmament, even while clutching an empty bottle of Thunderbird, and passed out behind the trash bin of our local liquor store, where our story begins. — Edward Covolo, Menlo Park, California

Rock Hanson, his huge fists bunched and ready for action, stared balefully at the Good Humor man who had let his girlfriend Jannette board the van to ring his bells.
Edward Buhrer, Camden, New Jersey

Dean had everything she’d dreamed the perfect boy would have: hair as soft as a baby bunny’s, dimples like the marks you could make pressing your thumb into unbaked cookie dough, eyes as beautiful as a thousand Thomas Kinkade paintings, and the smile of the male lead in an early Olsen-twins comedy, plus he smelled pretty good, too. — Sarah Cannavo, Maple Shade, New Jersey

As he was carried from the triclinium past the vomitorium to the privy and stared down the abyss rank with fumes from the legendary Cloaca Maxima, Sponge Bob instantly regretted his wish to time travel to Ancient Rome, for the collective sponge was to them what a used Sears catalogue would become for our more recent forebears. — Edward Mulholland, Atchison, Kansas

Lois was essentially a tragic case, with her penchant for duck-hunting gamekeepers who inevitably departed with a feather in their cap, whilst she was left feeling down and picking up the bill.
Anita Bowden, Manchester, England

The complex, nefarious plan hatched by the MacDougall family of Pine Woods (family motto: Auld Lang Pine), was best summed up by Jones as, “A cunning plan hatched by a punning clan.”
Sarita Hough, Blacksburg, Virginia

Regrettably it was neither a dark nor stormy night, and as Jennifer Perkins tried to bury her husband’s bleeding body she was only too aware that the full moon and listless night air was making her clandestine movements very visible from both the A303 highway and the chicken farm less than 200m away. — Martin Barrett, Arrowtown, New Zealand

All the signs were there beginning with the long black dresses, the shoulder-length straight hair, the ridiculously tall pointed hat, and the sixty-three-hundred- dollar plastic surgery bill for lengthening her nose and adding a wart, but, until she sold the Mercedes and placed a broom on the floor on her side of the garage, Daren just hadn’t put it together. — Tom McGowan, Zephyr Cove, Nevada

Margie’s disappointment was acute Tuesday morning when she read the sign scotch-taped to the window that said the taxidermist was closed for the month of August because she had a cooler full of squirrel carcasses in the back of the Mercedes and she was running out of ice.
Dorothy Harbeck, Fair Haven, New Jersey

During sex, Carl, the adult son of a funeral home director, always insisted that his wife lie motionless with eyes closed, and while this always brought back memories of his teenage years, Carl still wished that Yankee Candles made a scent that smelled like embalming fluid.
Randy Blanton, Murfreesboro, Tennessee

Phoebe, age 15, very much regretted not having a little sister or brother, but reflecting on the embarrassing moment of earlier that morning when she had walked into her parent’s bedroom at a most inopportune time, she thought Ben Franklin’s list woefully incomplete, for there most certainly were things, besides laws and sausages, that you might like, but you definitely did not want to see being made. — Herbert Krimmel, Los Angeles, California

She walked into my office and brayed, “I want you to put a tail on my husband.”
Steve Lynch, Tuscon, Arizona

The warehouse was completely empty except for the mutilated corpse wearing a tuxedo covered with bloodstains, and a Mortimer Snerd dummy lying nearby on the floor, and Detective McIntosh knew Snerd wouldn’t talk. — Doug Purdy, Roseville, California

Grinning Ear To Ear

Posted in Poem by chamblee54 on August 9, 2017

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2017

Posted in Georgia History, Undogegorized by chamblee54 on August 8, 2017


*Results* of the 2017 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. The XXXIVth Lyttoniad is a bad writing contest, named for Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton. Every year, thousands of writers-who-shouldn’t submit a first sentence, to a terrible novel. Chamblee54 wrote about BLFC in 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, and 2016. Part two of 2017 is forthcoming.

As a value added service to the BLFC community, every year chamblee54 compiles a list of noteworthy names from the contest. This distinction is purely nominal, and is not related to the quality, or lack thereof, of their entry. Nine names made the cut in 2017: Beth Armogida, Sierra Madre, California, Clark Snodgrass, Huntington Beach California, Jackie Fuchs, Los Angeles, California, Michael Leshnower, Encinitas, California, Myra Vanderpool Gormley, University Place, Washington, R. D. Fish, Jr., Versailles, Missouri, Richard Bos, Emmeloord, The Netherlands, Samantha Bates, Columbia, Tennessee, and Tyson Canale, Rochester, Minnesota.

Pictures for this feature are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. These photographs were taken at the Krystal. What the BLFC is to english composition, Krystal is to nutrition. The onion anointed Krystalburger has been a staple of southern life for generations. White Castle rumors are yankee misinformation.

She was the most desired object in the room, not unlike the last deviled egg at an Easter Day potluck.— Christine Hamilton, Atlanta, Georgia

Detective Sam Steel stood at the crime scene staring puzzled at the chalk outline of Ms. Mulgrave’s body which was really just a stick figure with a dress, curly hair, boobs, and a smiley face because the police chalk guy had the day off. — Doug Self, Brunswick, Maine

As hard-boiled detective Max Baxter ate his soft-boiled egg, he thought about the gorgeous dame he’d found last night lying in a pool of her own blood—it being inconvenient to lie in a pool of someone else’s blood—and wondered how she liked her eggs.— Pam Tallman, Huntington Beach, California

Detective Robertson knew he had Joyce Winters dead to rights for the murder—at the crime scene he had found Winters’ fingerprints, shell casings matching the gun registered to her, and, most damning of all, a Starbucks cup with the name “Josie” scrawled on it.— Doug Purdy, Roseville, California

Nobody messed with Rocky “The Anvil’ Roselli, the toughest, badass mob enforcer that ever walked the mean streets of downtown LA, but for some time now he had been considering an alternative career in interior design, a secret kept well hidden from his felonious contemporaries; like a strawberry jam sandwich lying buried at the bottom of a sack of brussels sprouts.
Ted Downes, Cardiff, Wales

So many questions raced through the heiress’s mind: Who had killed the maid and which guests were lying to her and who the hell was going to clean up all this goddamned blood because it sure as hell wasn’t going to be her, she could tell you that much.— Samantha Bates, Columbia, Tennessee

The horizontal array of rectangular golden sunshafts that filtered through my shutters was interrupted by a statuesque silhouette appearing at my office door, her widow’s pillbox with netted veil only slightly obscuring her opalescent eyes, her alabaster décolletage accented by a sizeable amethyst pendant, and a silky floor-length ebony gown that revealed a muffin-top that clearly lacked of any kind of abdominal exercise regimen. — Peter S. Bjorkman, Rocklin, California

Replacing the Human Torch’s fireproof colostomy bag, teaching Iron Man how to use the TV remote, listening to Iceman complain that it’s too cold, searching in vain for the Invisible Woman after she’s wandered away yet again—life isn’t comical as a Marvel Universe hospice nurse.
Dan White, Clarendon Hills, Illinois

Vadblad the Bad had known for centuries that impaling his victims before draining their blood was extremely wasteful but somehow he could not stop himself reaching for his spear as he rose from his coffin; bad habits never die. — Ann Wood, Corrales, New Mexico

I looked up at her breathless “hello,” and knew I could never unsee her Bride of Frankenstein makeup, or the way she filled her clothes; which must have looked good form-fitting a younger, svelter her, but now resembled a sausage skin strained to its limits by a failure of the emergency stop on the filling machine; perhaps a developing grub, whose skin failed to molt, or a Michelin Woman, as imagined by Salvador Dali on acid. — Michael Newton, Vancouver, Washington

Meeting his fiancé’s parents for the first time, Damon felt no fear because she had accepted his marriage proposal, but he still hoped for the parents’ approval, so it felt good that Mr. Dracula shook hands with one hand while his other hand squeezed Damon’s neck and then Mrs. Dracula proceeded to place a gentle kiss on his neck that intensified so much that it probably left a hickey.
Randy Blanton, Murfreesboro, Tennessee

A sweaty Hector threw off his shirt, passion burning, skin glistening, his deodorant congealed to little chunks ensnared among the matted jungle of his armpits like so many crumbles of pungent blue cheese over a bed of sprouts, moistened with a dressing of perspiration, and lustily asked, “Are you as hungry as I am?” to the confused busboy. — Tyson Canale, Rochester, Minnesota

Like the smoke from a cheap corn cob pipe, the tragic events of the past week descended into Lloyd Mounser’s brain and stubbornly clung to his memory the way those little white styrofoam peanuts get stuck to your hands you when you’re opening a box of soft-white light bulbs that you got online with free shipping.— William Keegan, Pine Bush, New York

Outrage Of Neoliberalism

Posted in GSU photo archive, Weekly Notes by chamblee54 on August 7, 2017


display of a link in this facility is not an indication of approval ~ This Is Why Statues Always Have Small Dicks ~ Ravens ‘Weighing Decision’ To Sign Colin Kaepernick, Ask Ray Lewis For Advice Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti “We’re very sensitive to it, and we’re monitoring it and we’re still … scrimmaging it … We’re trying to figure what’s the right tact. Pray for us.” ~ Steven Furtick Signs 6-Year, $110 Million Contract With Lakewood Church “I’m going to take my talents to Houston and join Joel’s legendary squad. I wish Elevation the best of luck in the seasons to come, and hope they can find someone as ripped and godly as me.” ~ salesman ~ In Their Easter Bonnets: The Crazy Gabors, Zsa Zsa, Jolie, Eva & Magda ~ tantra ~ Trans woman arrested for attacking Midtown man with knife ~ Gay Atlanta man robbed during transgender rally in Midtown ~ Atlanta trans woman murdered in apartment parking lot ~ The solar eclipse path will overwhelmingly pass over Trump Country ~ U.S. Nuclear Comeback Stalls as Two Reactors Are Abandoned ~ daily stormer ~ what a dump ~ Someone Trolled Me With Racist Emails for a Week, and It Brought Me So Much Joy! ~ Conversations with People Who Hate Me ~ ‘Sick sick sick’ racist Procter & Gamble ad crosses every line! If you are white, brace yourself before watching ~ Hoping someone got fired for this’: Twitter users slam online retailer for using WHITE women to model shirts that say things like ‘unapologetically black’, and ‘I’m a strong black woman’ ~ Transgender woman murdered outside Atlanta-area apartment complex ~ christian mental illness ~ so called salvation ~ Copies of the Gettysburg Address ~ Obama Pens Letter Commemorating Gettysburg Address On 150th Anniversary Of Remarks ~ Thank you for your interest in this subject. Stay tuned as we continue to update whitehouse.gov. ~ BHO story This meme appears to be real. There is a copy of the Gettysburg address in the White House. BHO did write a letter, with the language quoted in the meme. The letter was printed at Whitehouse.gov. When you go to the link for this post, it is no longer available. “Thank you for your interest in this subject. Stay tuned as we continue to update whitehouse.gov.” ~ obama gettysburg letter ~ @realDonaldTrump I love the White House, one of the most beautiful buildings (homes) I have ever seen. But Fake News said I called it a dump – TOTALLY UNTRUE ~ Sports Illustrated ~ How Not To Win A Poetry Slam ~ the talk ~ It’s Official: White Allies Are the Worst Wypipo in the World ~ Procter & Gamble Release an Ad About ‘the Talk,’ and White People Respond With the Wettest, Saltiest, Stupidest White Tears Ever ~ Procter & Gamble video Ad called “The Talk” – Uncle hotep chimes in ~ “Ignorance allied w/ power is the most ferocious enemy justice can have.” ~ Facebook’s Complicity in the Silencing of Black Women ~ In sunny Santa Barbara, the New York Philharmonic gives its conductor a cold farewell ~ Former Clinton Adviser: Sanders and His Followers Are ‘Detrimental to the Democratic Party’ ~ Mayor Reed Shows President Trump How to Fight the Media You are blocked from following @KasimReed and viewing @KasimReed’s Tweets. ~ P&G Release an Ad About ‘the Talk,’ and White People Respond With the Wettest, Saltiest, Stupidest White Tears Ever ~ Why I left Academia: Part I ~ which tank will fill up first ~ Milley: Future wars will be long, they’ll be fought on the ground, and spec ops won’t save us ~ The Game of Hacks & Unmasking Guccifer 2.0 ~ Here is a combination of three poems, that was read at Java Monkey. This poem was inspired by two things. One is this tweet: @AmadeusAlmighty Deuteronomy 22:28-29 Leviticus 25:44-46 2 Kings 2:23-25 Genesis 7. Try reading the WHOLE bible before proselytizing about it. The other source is 612 synonyms for bullshit

man finds a damsel that is a virgin, cockamamie crapola balderdash
man that lay with her excursion, double talk doohickey white trash
lie with her they be found upriver, asinine blabber bogus baloney
give her father fifty shekels of silver, bloviation bluster macaroni
she shall be his wife he hath humble fat, absurd adulterated double cross
shall ye buy their families they begat, banana hole ballyhoo applesauce
ye shall take them as an inheritance, jibber jabber junk oh my gosh
mocked go up thou bald head arrogance, gobbledygook gossip hogwash
shall not rule over another with sword, fabulous phooey forgery
he cursed them in the name of the lord, flush corruption fudge sorcery

@realDonaldTrump IN AMERICA WE DON’T WORSHIP GOVERNMENT – WE WORSHIP GOD! Exodus 20:7 Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. ~ Getting odd is more fun. ~ @ChrchCurmudgeon If you plant a church next to a feed lot, don’t be surprised if it smells like dairy air. ~ Painkillers also ease the pain of my wordplay. Because demerol terrible puns.~ KimKierkegaardashian‏ @KimKierkegaard Spray tan tip: Don’t let them darken your soul ~ “Liberal fuckery is truly a bottomless pit of racism.” So much rhetoric, so little time. ~ @WernerTwertzog I do not trust people who smile reflexively, habitually, or when delivering bad news. ~ @freddiedeboer I’m amazed that refusing to ever say a single thing not drenched in lethal amounts of irony has resulted in a toxic, broken culture. ~ As we learned in 2008, a hot stock market does not always last. Often, when the inevitable correction hits, it is nasty. ~ under death sentence, three drugs without permission, lethal injection ~ Aren’t dreads high maintenance? If you don’t wash them regularly, they get nasty ~ They are recycling those buckets Tammy Faye used to buy makeup that came in those buckets ~ I am more offended by mediocrity than appropriation ~ I have written many posts about the death penalty. My take is that the state is not smart enough to use a powerful tool like the death penalty. The entire panoply of life issues are rife with hypocrisy. The big three are capital punishment, abortion, and war. Others include homicide, suicide, medical misadventure, drug abuse, unfortunate lifestyles, bad driving practices, and others. The short answer is that ending a life should be G-d’s decision. We are usually better off when we let her make the call. Sadly, ending the life of another is often the lesser evil, or a matter of self defense. It is a story as old as Cain and Abel, and will not be resolved soon. ~ At one time, people paid attention to conservation of scarce resources. The Blue Angles use a lot of energy. ~ @SlavojTweezek It is an outrage of neoliberalism, you know, that I must pay twice as much for “free-range” eggs when eggs cannot move! ~ @billmaher talking about #WhitePrivilege is like @realDonaldTrump talking about a bad haircut ~ THE MORNING BEACON: BE PART OF THE CONVERSATION The Washington Free Beacon’s morning email lays out everything you need to know about the world of politics, foreign affairs, and national security right in your inbox. ~ how much did @HBO pay @tanehisicoates ? ~ Apparently the money laundering charges stuck. Even if facilitating sex work were legal, that would not excuse related criminal activity. ~ You enable the KKK when you act afraid of them Just don’t leave them alone in the linen closet ~ @WernerTwertzog Ye shall know them by their lack of punctuation, correct spelling, reason, and the uncreative use of obscenity. ~ 14 things you should never say to a British person Have you met the Queen? What did you do for the royal wedding? Why is your food so bad? Why do you eat beans in a morning… on toast? Why do you love queuing? So, how’s Brexit going? Why do you drink so much tea? Why are you all so polite to each other? Why do you have so many words to say goodbye? Why is everyone obsessed with Mary Berry? But you said you were fine. Why don’t you speak any other languages? Moist. Is a Jaffa Cake a cake or a biscuit? ~ the story is over now, and i need to find something else to listen to… i download a lot of stuff, and lately the percent of things that i enjoy has been going down… i don’t know if i am too picky, or if the quality is declining… so when i find something that i enjoy, as i did this story, i want to make it last a while ~ Default Widget This is just a default widget. It’ll disappear as soon as you add your own widgets on the Widgets admin page. ~ @dadtellsjokes A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?” ~ pictures for this rainy monday morning entertainment are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. ~ selah