Chamblee54

I’m Here For You

Posted in Commodity Wisdom, Poem by chamblee54 on April 17, 2014

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Lewis Grizzard

Posted in Georgia History, History, Library of Congress by chamblee54 on April 16, 2014








In the time between 1980 and 1994, if you lived in Atlanta you heard about Lewis Grizzard. Some people loved him. Some did not. He told good old boy stories about growing up in rural Georgia. Many of them were enjoyable. He also made social and political commentaries, which upset a few people.

PG had mixed feelings about Lewis. The stories about Kathy Sue Loudermilk and Catfish were funny. His opinions about gays, feminists, and anything non redneck could get on your nerves. His column for the fishwrapper upset PG at least twice a week.

In 1982, Lewis (he reached the level of celebrity where he was known by his first name only) wrote a column about John Lennon. Lewis did not understand why Mr. Ono was such a big deal. PG cut the column out of the fishwrapper, and put it in a box. Every few years, PG would be looking for something, find that column, and get mad all over again.

The New Georgia Encyclopedia has a page about Lewis, which expresses some of these contradictions.
If Grizzard’s humor revealed the ambivalence amid affluence of the Sunbelt South, it reflected its conservative and increasingly angry politics as well. He was fond of reminding fault-finding Yankee immigrants that “Delta is ready when you are,” and, tired of assaults on the Confederate flag, he suggested sarcastically that white southerners should destroy every relic and reminder of the Civil War (1861-65), swear off molasses and grits, drop all references to the South, and begin instead to refer to their region as the “Lower East.” Grizzard also wore his homophobia and hatred for feminists on his sleeve, and one of the last of his books summed up his reaction to contemporary trends in its title, Haven’t Understood Anything since 1962 and Other Nekkid Truths (1992).
In the end, which came in 1994, when he was only forty-seven, the lonely, insecure, oft-divorced, hard-drinking Grizzard proved to be the archetypal comic who could make everyone laugh but himself. He chronicled this decline and his various heart surgeries in I Took a Lickin’ and Kept on Tickin’, and Now I Believe in Miracles (1993), published just before his final, fatal heart failure.

As you may have discerned, Lewis McDonald Grizzard Jr. met his maker on March 20, 1994. He was 47. There was a valve in his heart that wasn’t right. The good news is that he stayed out of the army. At the time, Vietnam was the destination for most enlistees. The bad news is that his heart problems got worse and worse, until it finally killed him.

Sixteen years later, PG found a website, Wired for Books. It is a collection of author interviews by Don Swaim, who ran many of them on a CBS radio show called Book Beat. There are two interviews with Lewis Grizzard. The first one was done to promote My Daddy Was a Pistol and I’m a Son of A Gun. This was the story of Lewis Grizzard Senior, who was another mixed bag.

PG found himself listening to this chat, and wondered what he had been missing all those years. The stories and one liners came flowing out like the Chattahoochee going under the perimeter highway. Daddy Grizzard was a soldier, who went to war in Europe and Korea. The second one did something to his mind, and he took to drinking. He was never quite right the rest of his life. His son from adored him anyway. When you put yourself in those loafers for a while, you began to taste the ingredients in that stew we called Lewis Grizzard.

PG still remembers the anger that those columns caused … he has his own story, and knows when his toes are stepped on. The thing is, after listening to this show, PG has an idea of why Lewis Grizzard wrote the things that he did. Maybe PG and Lewis aren’t all that different after all.

The pictures for this feature are from The Library of Congress. While picking out the pictures, PG listened to the other Lewis Grizzard show with Don Swaim. They both have last names that are often mispronounced. When Lewis wondered where Klansmen get those pointy hats… at the KKK mart, perhaps… PG had to stop the broadcast and write a postscript. This is a repost.






Jury Duty

Posted in Georgia History, Holidays, Library of Congress, Politics by chamblee54 on April 15, 2014

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April 15 is the day income tax returns are due. Many self anointed conservatives make noise on this day. 364 days a year they loudly celebrate American exceptionalism. When it is time to pay for it… One popular blogger had a story along those lines today. The chamblee54 comment: In paragraph one you say “full paragraphs necessitate the formation of full thoughts, which only come to those who write because they actually have something to say.” Paragraph five was “Fine. Maybe not.”

PG spent this April 15 with another tacky, but necessary, civic obligation: jury duty. During the educational video, SCOTUS parasite Samuel Alito said, in effect, that if you were on trial you would want someone, like yourself, on the jury. PG has a functioning BS detector. The average lawyer would not want PG in the same zip code as the jury room, if his client were on trial.

The day started at 5am. PG made breakfast, took the week’s trash to the street, and published a blog post about drones. This is the sort of expensive, big government activity that the conservatives don’t seem to mind. Drones kill children, and right to lifers say nothing.

The plan was to take marta to Dickhater. PG gets tired of driving all the time. When the time came to go to the station, PG slipped off the driveway, and tore up a slice of earth. He stopped to cover the skid mark with mulch. He got to the marta station in time to see the train leaving for downtown. The plan then became a drive to Dickhater. The parking deck was reached at 7:53am. The summons said to arrive at 8:15 am. Spell check suggestion for Dickhater: eradicate.

The entertainment did not begin until 8:37 am. PG probably could have caught the next train. There was little to do except watch the video, read a book, and wait. At 9:20 am, the MC asked a list of people if they had Safeway insurance. At 9:25 am, they were led to the courtroom, and the rest of the jurors were given a break until 10 am. At 10:21 am, the rest of the jury room was sent home.

Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. This is a wonderful facility, offering downloads of thousands of public domain photographs. The LOC is a function of big government, and is supported with tax revenues. It’s annual budget would pay for a three drone strikes. The last statement was a made up statistic, and should not be used in any serious discussion. This collection of working women was taken in Philadelphia, PA. The photographer was Jack Delano, and the time was June 1943.

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Drones

Posted in Library of Congress, Politics, Religion, War by chamblee54 on April 15, 2014

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A giant art installation in Pakistan got some attention. An international committee displayed a large picture of a child, in an area that receives many drone strikes. The idea is to make drone controllers more aware of the human life on the ground.

A few days later, a commentary appeared, This Giant Art Piece in Pakistan Won’t Be Making Drone Pilots Feel Empathy. The author said the *target audience* of the piece was the empathetic public, not the drone controllers. There is a link to an article, where the psychological impact of drone warfare, on the controllers, is discussed. People in Yemen have a different perspective.

The drone war has been going on for some time now. It began under George W. Bush, and was intensified under Barack H. Obama. The “right to life” moving lips have been strangely silent. There are indications that fewer children are being killed now than before. Since the drone war is conducted by the secrecy oriented C.I.A., there is little way to *confirm or deny* these reports. Nor is it possible to determine the financial cost of this program. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.

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Hawaiian Good Luck Sign

Posted in Georgia History, GSU photo archive, Religion by chamblee54 on April 13, 2014

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Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker . I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’ ‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’ What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! Praise the Lord!!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma. This repost is written like J. D. Salinger. Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”.

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Testing Whiteness And Privilege

Posted in Library of Congress, Race, The Internet by chamblee54 on April 12, 2014

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In certain circles, the phrase “white privilege” gets a lot of lip service. The eyeball snatchers at buzzfeed are paying attention. They recently published two quiz features, How Stereotypically White Are You? and How Privileged Are You? PG decided to see how he fits in.

Buzzfeed questionnaires are usually problematic. The “how white” form is a bit different. There is only one question, “Have you ever… (check all that apply).” There is a list of 100 things you might have done. You check all the ones that apply. Number 91-100 are: 91 Attended a film festival? 92 Wanted to live in Portland? 93 Embroidered? 94 Gone camping in a snuggie? 95 Been to Burning Man? 96 Been on a horse in the ocean? 97 Bought the clear Band-Aids because all the other ones were too dark for your skin? 98 Taken a group holiday photo shoot with your friends? 99 Used the hashtag #WhitePeopleProblems because you are white and had a problem? 100 Been personally offended by a post about white people?

PG is not a normal person. Yes, there are few things that are more common than a unique person. Still, this list gave PG problems. He still had not checked any possibilities when he reached numbers 20 and 21. 20 Gotten up to go dance because “The Macarena” came on? 21 Done the same for “The Electric Slide”? PG has run away from the dance floor when “The Macarena” came on. Of course, there was that night at the 57th when “The Electric Slide” came on, PG tried to join in, and made a total fool of himself by not knowing the steps.

There were five other possibilities that PG checked. 25 Recommended an NPR podcast? 32 Laughed out loud to Monty Python? 65 A toga party? 89 Watched Fox News? 100 Been personally offended by a post about white people? One night, PG made a beer run. He walked into a liquor store wearing a toga. This should get extra points.

“You checked off 6 out of 100 possible white people scenarios. Congratulations, you are NOT white! You’re the first of your friends to perfect a new dance move and never have to worry about what level of SPF you should use. Heck, you might not even know what SPF stands for and that’s OK because the sun is your friend and that’s cool as shit.” The result was illustrated by a picture of Colin Powell.

The privilege quiz has a similar format. “Check off all the statements that apply to you.” The statements are not numbered this time. To facilitate this post, PG copied the list of statements. This perhaps should be a privilege sensitive option, but is not.

This list is a familiar litany of statements about race, sexuality, body types, income, and religion. If you are on the good side of these things, you are presumed to have privilege. Being a white cis male is an indication of privilege.

“You live with 30 out of 100 points of privilege. You’re not privileged at all. You grew up with an intersectional, complicated identity, and life never let you forget it. You’ve had your fair share of struggles, and you’ve worked hard to overcome them. We do not live in an ideal world and you had to learn that the hard way. It is not your responsibility to educate those with more advantages than you, but if you decide you want to, go ahead and send them this quiz. Hopefully it will help.” It is not certain how this quiz will help people with too much privilege. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.

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Your Life

Posted in Poem by chamblee54 on April 12, 2014

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Golf And Shopping

Posted in Georgia History, GSU photo archive by chamblee54 on April 11, 2014





One Sunday afternoon, a man was playing golf. On the third hole, he hit the tee shot, and was walking down the fairway towards the ball. The fairway was next to a road. A funeral procession was driving down the road.
The man stopped his cart, got out, took his hat off and put it over his heart. He stood still, with his head bowed, until the mourners had driven by.
The playing partner of the man was astonished. “Don, why are you making such a big deal over that funeral procession”
“It was my wife”.

There was a small town once, with a Catholic Church, a Baptist Church, and a Jewish Synagogue.
One day the Catholics decided to give their priest a new car. They got an Audi, sprinkled a few drops of holy water on the hood, and gave it to the priest.
The Baptists thought this was a really good idea, and they decided to give their pastor a new vehicle. They got a Ford pickup truck, took it to a boat ramp, hooked a winch up to the front, and lowered the truck into the lake until it was completely covered in water.
Not to be outdone, the Jewish congregation decided their rabbi needed a new ride. They bought a Lexus, and cut half an inch off the tail pipe.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled. “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.”
Thank you Gartalker for the last story. This is a repost.
Pictures are from the “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”





Gasoline Tactics

Posted in Commodity Wisdom, Library of Congress, Undogegorized by chamblee54 on April 10, 2014

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This information was originally posted six years ago. PG received a chain letter email about gasoline prices, with these suggestions. With demand increasing, and supply decreasing, the price of petroleum is going to go up. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.

Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline. When it gets warmer gasoline expands. When you pump in the afternoon or in the evening… your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline plays an important role.

When you’re filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. You should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you’re getting less fuel for your money.

Fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The more gas you have in your tank the less air is occupying the empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you might imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.

If there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop , DO NOT fill up–most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered. You might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

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Cary Grant Took LSD

Posted in History, Library of Congress, Undogegorized by chamblee54 on April 9, 2014










There is a nifty article about Cary Grant and LSD on the web now. It seems Mr. Grant, the onetime Archibald Leach, had a few issues. Duh. Married five times. Widely rumored to the the bf of Randolph Scott. A talented actor, but a mess in the real world.

In 1956, Mr. Grant was with third wife Betsy Drake, who had a tough summer.
“It was an open secret between cast and crew alike that the married Cary Grant was sleeping with Sophia Loren during their filming of The Pride and The Passion. Drake had flown to Italy to be by her husband’s side during the shoot only to find Grant ignoring her. Distraught, she fled on what was to be a quiet voyage on the SS Andrea Doria. On July 25, 1956 her quiescent journey turned into a nightmare. The ship collided with a Swedish ocean liner off the coast of Nantucket, Massachusetts, sinking to the bottom of the Sea and claiming fifty-one lives.2 Betsy survived but was traumatized. The incident, coupled with the estrangement of her husband, haunted her in her sleep.”
Betsy Drake had a friend named Sally Brophy, an actress. Miss Brophy also received help from a psychiatrist, which included taking LSD. Eventually, Cary Grant started to go see this doctor.

Taking a legal trip, in a Hollywood doctor’s office, is not like going to a rave. It was seen as therapy, a way of learning how to deal with your problems. According to Cary Grant, it worked very well. He talked about it to a reporter, and then confirmed that he wanted this to go out to the public.

“The shock of each revelation brings with it an anguish of sadness for what was not known before in the wasted years of ignorance and, at the same time, an ecstasy of joy at being freed from the shackles of such ignorance … I learned many things in the quiet of that room … I learned that everything is or becomes its own opposite … it releases inhibition. You know, we are all unconsciously holding our anus. In one LSD dream I shit all over the rug and shit all over the floor. Another time I imagined myself as a giant penis launching off from earth like a spaceship … I seemed to be in a world of healthy, chubby little babies’ legs and diapers, smeared blood, a sort of general menstrual activity taking place … As a philosopher once said, you cannot judge the day until the night ..”

The only problem was, Mr. Grant had a movie coming out, “Operation Petticoat”. The studio “tripped out” when it heard the star of the show was praising LSD in the press. Mr. Grant had a share in the profits of the film, and was persuaded to call the reporter and recant on the interview.

Not everyone was impressed by the doctors that Mr. Grant used.
“Aldous Huxley had encountered the clinic prior to his death, but had sought his LSD experiences from the parallel practice of Dr. Oscar Janiger, the other acid doctor to the stars. Huxley witnessed Chandler and Hartman’s work and was unnerved by their approach. “We met two Beverly Hills psychiatrists the other day,” he wrote, “who specialise in LSD therapy at $100 a shot – and, really, I have seldom met people of lower sensitivity, more vulgar mind! To think of people made vulnerable by LSD being exposed to such people is profoundly disturbing.”
In any event, LSD became criminalized, Doctors Chandler and Hartman got in trouble, and Cary Grant got married two more times. While Grant never renounced LSD, he refused to use any other illegal drug, even marijuana. He was a conservative old fogey.

Maureen Donaldson was the lover of Cary Grant in the seventies, and was a friend of Alice Cooper. She finally persuaded Mr. Grant to go to an Alice Cooper concert with her. He wore sunglasses, gold chains, and dressed like a “seedy agent”. He sat through the entire show, wearing earplugs, hating every minute of it.
As Miss Donaldson recalled the evening
“Driving back to Los Angeles, I congratulated Cary for being such a good sport … He’d made an extraordinary effort to please me … [I asked him] ‘You really hated it, didn’t you?’ ‘It’s…’ he said, struggling for words, ‘you know what it’s like? Remember I told you about the time I took LSD in my doctor’s office and shat all over his rug and floor?’ ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Well now I know how that poor doctor felt.”
Pictures are from The Library of Congress. This is a repost.



Eye Of A Needle

Posted in Library of Congress, Religion by chamblee54 on April 8, 2014

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There is a quote attributed to Jesus that many have heard. The key words are rich man and camel. It is interpreted in many ways. One way to begin this discussion is to look at the King James Bible. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. This is a repost.

16 And, behold, one came and said unto him,
Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?
17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good?
[there is] none good but one, [that is], G-d: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
18 He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder,
Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness,
19 Honor thy father and [thy] mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
20 The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?
21 Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go [and] sell that thou hast,
and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come [and] follow me.
22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.
23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you,
That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.
24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,
than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

As with all quotes from the bible, a bit of thought is helpful. Was this said only one time, or was this a standard part of his teaching? Was the meaning changed in the transition from Aramaic to Greek to English? Had Jesus been taste testing the water and wine?

With the current vogue for “prosperity gospel”, many Jesusmongers have some splainin’ to do. Once, PG heard the redo blue preacher talking about this quote. His version was that there were caves in the desert where travelers would take a break on their journey. They would go in the cave, use the restroom, eat lunch, and then go on with their journey. The entrance to these caves was sometimes rather small, and it was tough to fit a camel inside.

Another version is about the local geography of Jerusalem. There was a gate in Jerusalem called the eye of the needle. It was a tight fit, and camels had a tough time getting through. Had Jesus been to Jerusalem at this point in his ministry?

According to Biblos.com, the Koran tells the same story.
“The impious, who in his arrogance shall accuse our doctrine of falsity, shall find the gates of heaven shut: nor shall he enter there till a camel shall pass through the eye of a needle. It is thus that we shall recompense the wicked.” Al Koran. Surat vii. ver. 37.” (The home page of Biblos has an ad… “What investment is up 18% a year for the last 11 years? Click to see now”)
Whether this quote is fact or fiction, literal or symbolic, it can make for some funny stories. Once PG walked through a living room, while a religious tv show was on. The telepastor was in his church’s private studio, which was not cheap to build and equip. The man was wearing a beautiful preaching costume, which no doubt cost a pretty penny. By the standards of the world, the dude was filthy rich. During the few seconds that PG paid attention, the man on the tv said something about a camel.

Those who go For The Win should take heed of the last verse of Matthew 19.
“But many [that are] first shall be last; and the last [shall be] first.”

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Twenty Questions

Posted in Commodity Wisdom, Library of Congress, The Internet, Undogegorized by chamblee54 on April 6, 2014

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Someone in twitterland posted a link, 20 Questions to Ask New Employees. Since I might be in the job market again soon, maybe it would be easier to prepare the answers in advance. Here goes. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
01. Do you have any tattoos you regret? What/where is it? No. Having a tattoo installed has always seemed too painful to contemplate. There are tattoos that I regret seeing on other people, but that memory is safely repressed.
02. If you had to marry one serial killer from history, who would it be? (You won’t be a victim.) Another feature of twitter these days is FaithVoters4Hillary. It is obvious that any husband of hers can do whatever, and whomever, he/she pleases. As Secretary of State, Hillary has supervised the demise of countless children in Pakistan. She makes Charles Manson look like a sunday school teacher.
03. What would you do if I put a live octopus on your desk? Take it to a restaurant on Buford Hiway. There are only so many stray dogs.
04. Biggie or Tupac? I don’t use cologne. Why should I have to choose between those two brands?
05. Are you the kind of person who chit-chats in the public restroom during a tandem pee session? Only during a full moon.
06. Have you ever stolen a pen that writes exceptionally well from a restaurant? I thought it was half a set of chopsticks.
07. Do you (know) anyone who’s killed someone? If so, was it at your behest? If so, how concerned should I be about staying on your good side? This is a trick question.
08. Have you ever owned a water pick? Why? I was trying to clean the grout in the shower. That was the only thing that came close to working, and not very well.
09. What are your thoughts on cubicle farting? If I was in a cubicle that farted, I would move. This might be an issue for OSHA.
10. If you were ever in a situation where you knew you were definitely going to be cut in half, would you rather be cut length-wise or width-wise? (You’re going to die either way; this is a preference question, not a survival question.) More information is needed. Is it a laser, or a band saw? It would be a different answer for each one.
11. Do you eat fragrant foods at your desk, and if so, how important is it to you? This question makes fun of certain religions. It is not an acceptable question.
12. On a scale of 1, not at all, to 10, you’re a filthy scumbag, how much will you judge me for wearing the same dress pants two (or more) days in a row? Dress pants is an expression that does not make sense. You can wear a dress. You can wear pants. Technically you could wear pants under a dress, but why would you want to?
13. Do you have any spouses or children I should know about right now? If no, please don’t bring them up in subsequent conversation and expect me to know who you’re talking about. Only if Bill gives Hillary the divorce she needs.
14. Do you plan on getting any unconventional haircuts during your tenure here? How convincing do you expect me to be when I tell you it looks great? The opposite of con is pro. Do I get unproventional haircuts? These are installed under anesthesia. Will insurance pay for this?
15. Of all the people you’ve met so far, who would you feel the least conflicted about trampling in the event of an emergency evacuation? The cashier at WalMart who told me that pennies were not welcome as payment.
16. Do you know exactly how many moles you have on your body? If yes, is the reason dermatological or just creepy? Mole is a sauce. If I were to apply a condiment to my body, it would be mustard.
17. Are you actually qualified to do the job you were hired for? It would be silly to fill this part out before I know what job I am applying for? If the job is a full time liar, then of course I am qualified.
18. Do you participate in any uncommon hobbies? If yes, please allow me some time to prepare my reaction for that Friday when you suddenly mention you’re going to an Anime convention. I copy lists of joke questions off the internet and post answers on my blog.
19. Do you intend on stabbing me in the back/making me look bad sometime in the near future? If yes, please understand my efforts to get everyone in the office to hate you will begin immediately. If you are going to hire me, you already look bad enough.
20. For how long do you reasonably expect me to smile every time I see you around the office like you’re a tourist that doesn’t speak English? As long as necessary.

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